Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
