well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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