Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
thus making me awesome and them whores
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
