She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
