I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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