I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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