I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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