I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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