Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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