I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
