I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
