apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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