When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Randomize