He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
