Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
