my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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