I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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