I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
It's never too late to be topless.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
