ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
