do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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