she woke up with a sticky ear
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
