if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
