my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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