It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
