this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize