Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
