Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
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