I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
