she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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