Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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