considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Randomize
