I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize