I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
