i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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