Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
