Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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