i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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