i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
