he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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