This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
