So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
