The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
