ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
