i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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