They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize
