I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
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