Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you win again, gameday.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
