...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
