dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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