We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
