Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
