so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
