Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
