I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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