Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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