hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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