i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
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