I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
