he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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