new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
