if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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