Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
