From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
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