Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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