she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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