You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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