The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
ttyl tear gas
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
