I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
