his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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